So… There have been thousands of thoughts bugging my mind lately. Thoughts about future, career, love, people and negative stuff and blah, blah, blah. But then after browsing some stuff (ehem *Facebook and Twitter* ehem), I would loose the will and the power and the interest to write the thoughts. And would have the mindset that those are just some useless stuff I’m clouding my mind. Something that will get me depressed and negative, and sad. Plus thinking about my poor integration would somehow discourage me to start it. 

So what’s the connection to this thing I’m writing today? Well, nothing. Actually, I’ve been planning to post this after I’ve got the chance to read it for the corrections, after it was returned to us. But due to the busy schedule during the last month of my school year, its posting was postponed.  

And so, here it goes. Sorry for the incorrect grammars and whatever shizz. I lost the checked hard copy. Yeah, sad.

Everything in this world, whether living or non-living things has its own essence for existing simply because that life’s ultimate goal – knowing and living your purpose.  Some may not know that they are already fulfilling their life’s real meaning; others might have perceive it before but refuse to carry it out; and part of the whole are still in search for their true meaning.

Well, in my case, I would like to say that I am one of those part of the whole; that in my 19 years of life, I still don’t know the essence of my existence.  Okay, I’ll admit, sometimes I thought I knew, but then I realize it doesn’t make sense at all or it is something not worth it or it is not life-changing.  That is because I have this view of a human being’s purpose, that it is something that will create an impact to another’s life, something that is helpful to the society, something valuable.  And that I haven’t found yet in myself.

Occasionally, I thought my essence would be making people happy.  But then as days gone by, I became boring and unhappy.  I thought it was making others feel loved and supported. But then I got my self confidence lower and lower and I even hated myself at times.  I thought it was by helping others and being kind to them. But I haven’t been kind and helping myself lately.

I know you think it’s a bit selfish, throwing back to myself the deficiency of having the wrong thought of my own essence just because I haven’t been doing it right with myself. But you see, in order for you to know your real purpose, you should first know yourself, love yourself and free yourself of any doubts.  And that is what I should do first.

People who already established the essence of their living found themselves first – of who they are and what they would become and then eventually of what they can do for others.   Some knew it at an early age; some grew old in discovering it. But nevertheless, in the course of this life, one would one way or the other find and live his/her own life’s purpose.

They say that it is not about finding out your purpose, but rather it is about making your own purpose. Perhaps true, yes, but I always believed in predestination; that it is something already known and yet to find.  Finding is easy, if you already know what it is. Should I take my time? Maybe yes, maybe no. Only time will tell. But with every experience and moment that will happen, an underlying answer awaits. 

BTW, the post’s title was the title I named for this essay. 

P.S. I wrote this with a neutral emotion. I mean not-so-negative and not-so- positive.